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Monday, December 8th, 2008

Subject:Holiday Parties
Posted by:blackana79.
Time:7:17 am.
Mood: cold.
I have a huge problem coming up this week. I'm going to a holiday party on Friday and it is starting to really worry me. I don't want to have to eat anything, but I don't think that is going to be possible. My Aunt knows about my ED. She always gets on my case about my eating or the lack there of. Does anyone have any suggestions that could help me to get out of eating?

Any help well be greatly appreciated.
Comments: Love me.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:3:25 am.
Suzie Orbach - Hunger Strike

"Femininity, as represented by mannequin thinness, meant for her beauty and untouchability....the pursuit of thinness was to use her body as both power and protection"
"Many women who develop anorexia talk about how they originally sought thinness in order to feel acceptable. But of course acceptability, while attached in one way to notions of thinness and fatness, has in fact little to do with the inner feelings of acceptablilty which drive the indiidual to seek acceptance through extreme physical tranformation."
"Anorexia is an attempted solution to being in a world from which at the most profound level one feels excluded, and to which one feels deeply unentitled to enter. It is an attempt to be adequate, good enough, pure enough, saintly enough, sufficiently nsullied to be included."
"The body is carved up by the various manufacturers who insist on the fallibility of nature and the essentiality of their product for improvement. As a result, nearly all women are subject to feeling complicated about their bodies and caught up n feelings of insecurity or discomfort to some extent"
"FAt has come to stand for need, greed, indulgence, wantonness, a loss of control, an unstoppability. It represents the exposure of need.
Thinness represents a positive for the anoretic...it reflects an asceicism of purpose, a praise worthy puritan morality, a needless self.
She is untouchable, without needs, she is not vulnerable, she cannot be got at ,she is safe in the knowledge that in wanting nothing; she does not risk disappointment."

What are your thoughts? I have my own views and for some reason have become so absorbed by the psychology behind eating disorders...i guess i want to know why me...hmm. much love as always.x
Comments: 4 Lovers - Love me.

Friday, July 22nd, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:2:56 am.
ok so somehow i ended up alone...
i really wanna cry right now but i won't let myself, not over something this stupid.
The guy who kissed me after my bf and i broke up has now decided that he doesn't wanna be with me because his female best friend realised seeing him with me how much she liked him and he likes her, even though i don't want him and it wasn't really anything i'm still hurt. maybe rejection hurts from all angles?
*sniff, screw him, and i bet things'll be awkward with the group of friends now which is ridiculous given that they're my lifeline out here in solitude with workaholic dad
*fuck fuck fuckity fuck*
maybe i should just let summer end early and go home? but to what?
god guys i'm crying now...stupid stupid girl, you never learn.
Comments: 2 Lovers - Love me.

Saturday, July 16th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:9:36 pm.
it's been a while......

i'm still away for summer vacation which has been so long that the boy and i didn't survive :( we broke up three days ago - he cried so needless to say i felt like absolute s**t but it's been 6/7 weeks and minimal communicating combined with the fact that i don't REALLY miss him, i mean sure it'd be good to see him but i always imagined that once you meet THE guy you can't be without them or else you'd be miserable, constantly pining for them, you know? a slight bright side,haven't eaten since *yay misery!*

anyway, i'm so freakingly remote here that i want starbucks but alas, as with everything i want, no can do therefore i have devised my own lil taste of heaven which i thought i should share....i've been getting low fat/low cal french vanilla instant hot choc mix (i think it's 40kcal a sachet), ice cubes and a lil skimmed milk....into the blender et viola my lovelies-frothy vanilla flavoured comfort with very few guilt inducing cals. i'm off to a concert with some friends i've made out here and my sis, some of the guys are cute so at least i have something to keep my mind off of he who shall no longer be named *sigh* here's to thinness, relying on yourself for your own happiness and long summer nights, take care all :)
Comments: Love me.

Monday, July 4th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:1:03 pm.
hey so i ate like a mofo yest after doing so incredibly well up until 9pm, i'd had lettuce and cucumber and 5 strawberries plus 3 litres of water (much love to the sunshine...although it did burn my back at the beach!) then we went out and got ice cream, although i got one scoop no cone, there was this TWIG with two scoops and whipped cream on a cone!maybe she threw it up, as i should've done!!! today i'm on le cafe and then some cherries for breakfast i think. wish me luck, it's great to see you all and put pics to the posts, when i eventually get my padre to upload the software for my digital cam i shall join in the camera whoring!!!
much love, *smiles*
Comments: Love me.

Friday, July 1st, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:7:00 pm.
so today's been ok had a lettuce, tomato, cucumber, yellow pepper and red onion salad and a nectarine and worked out for an hour, 15mins cycling, 15mins treadmill then 30mins crosstrainer.
thanks to a few of you i've let go of the weight fluctuation stressing... handy link for any of you who want to know more http://www.primusweb.com/fitnesspartner/library/weight/scale.htm

so thinking that i shall do a weekly weigh in rather than an every few hours panic attack inducing scale watch!!! take care one and all :)
Comments: Love me.

Thursday, June 30th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:3:48 pm.
ok so this freakin sucks, ive been eating all raw food for nearly two weeks and up until this morn had steadily lost 4lbs and ive been eating less and less and can tell that ive been hungry and sometimes, especially yest getting cramps but today i get on the scales and WHAM..... a pound HEAVIER????????!!!!!!!!!!!! how the hell is that possible, ive been eating LESS and IT"S ALL FRUIT AND VEG!!! WTF? i think im going a bit crazy ovee here, i nearly cried and was so thinking screw it all, what the hell is my pathetic retarded body doing?!

sorry for the rant just needed to let off steam, u know? hope you're all wonderful *trying to smile*
Comments: 2 Lovers - Love me.

Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:11:15 am.
hey, so after 6 months of denial and hiding from my scales...that and my parents took them away!!!i finally plucked up the courage to weigh myself this morn, yes it's way more than i want it to be BUT it's not as bad as i thought if i'm honest and i'm sure there's some muscle there given the calisthenics and cardio i've been doing...anyway, bmi is bleuch 21 but that gives me a goal of 18.5 to work for by the august and then onwards and downwards from there, i think it was 17 at one point so i can totally get there!
another raw food day, it's so strange cause even when i'm hungry now, like yest there's nothing sinful or "comforting" i can eat that will weigh me down given that im just on fruit and veg so i have to deal with my emotions another way, i cry really easily and yest managed to control it when dad and i were talking about self image (a frequent tears subject) by telling myself that it's ok and taking deep breaths...yay go me, one or two tears but he didn't notice!
anyway, gonna be on the scale everyday now, it's my new partner for life taking place of my old and long deceased one from last year. and then there's my buddy the cross trainer who's gona help me too, hehe sad that none of these are people but they just don't get it so i don't let them in.
take care one and all and hey, today is the fattest we're going to be....doesn't that feel great?!!! *hugs*
Comments: Love me.

Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:11:46 am.
hey all, im doing ok, feel pretty bloated for some reason but so far had 100kcal, just turned down lunch so minimal kcal today=100 sigh, just wish i could see changes you know? anyway, take care one and all *hugs*
Comments: Love me.

Thursday, June 9th, 2005

Posted by:x_transcendence.
Time:12:28 pm.
I'm in history. having our 2 hour long end of the year "party." I don't know anybody in this class, and there's nothing to distract me from eating everything in sight. Besides the fact that I don't want to gain 400 pounds.

Someone IM me and keep me busy.

AIM: HomieBeatsDottie
Comments: Love me.

Friday, June 3rd, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:9:09 pm.
went bikini shopping today so kinda bummed...managed not to cry in the store though which is a stellar achievement for me!

anyway, just thought i'd check in...boredom sucks...aloneness too with the exception of the fasting! had crystal light and water yet again today, a few heart pains but minimal to yesterdays and lots of funny lil growls from my tummy-with every slight noise my smile get bigger,finally something's happening towards my goal! *keep smiling*

fasting clock 45hours and counting...always read that the first three days are the worst,bring it on
Comments: Love me.

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:8:05 am.
ok so my diary got graffitied by some losers who decided to tell me how fat i am and how eating properly and exercise were the key and loads of other BS- gah, why won't people (sad, pathetic fat ass men!!!) get lives of their own without attempting to shit all over mine...piss off!

*phew* sorry, so that's over, hour32of fast, couldn't really sleep and then had really strong heart racing feeling but watched a disney film and so now all good :) plan is la playa(beach) today hence prancing around in a bikini will make me more likely to NEVER eat again!!! also, can maybe catch up on some sleep whilst tanning....lovin being a multitasking female!

can't wait til the group fast, good luck to all on the sacred heart, i did it 1 1/2 yrs ago, lost 7lbs so if i can you must be able to!
- - - no matter what i weigh, today will be my highest day---
Comments: Love me.

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:1:28 am.
wow, ok so i've been doing some calinetics(?!spelling?!) before bed and today noticed a post on tummy ex.s, not sure who posted it-sorry! anyway, just done them and some thigh ex.s i found and they're great!:) my thighs are all jittery (maybe the fasting and exercise?) and stomach definitely felt muscles working...therefore tis my duty to pass the links on....

tummy :- http://magazines.ivillage.com/marieclaire (click on swimsuit figure blowout)

thighs :- http://diet.ivillage.com/tone/tlegs/0,,j9f3-p,00.html (it should say resize your thighs workout!)

Comments: Love me.

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:5:14 pm.
hola beautious ones,
tried to stay awake all night for maximum calorie burning but managed til 6:11 then decided i'd have an hour which turned into 6!!!my bad!
the good news...nothing, nada, niente, zilch consumed thus far...two cups of crystal light (my new partner in crime!) and we have some instant cappucino things- 50kcal but not planning to have one of those today. my stomach feels all churning and tight but i figure its all the stuff clearing out which is good news.
anyone know if crystal light can have-ahem-lax properties, it's just that seriously after 1litre of it im visiting the ladies room several times *too much info, sorry!*
went walking and some guessing 30 yr old guy was all, hey how are you?sit and talk to me etc etc, i hate those moments, i get all tense and nervous so just said hey but no i had to go...he then proceeded to follow me for a block whistling to me and yelling hey! yuck yuck yuck, not the most comfortable situation...walked a few blocks past my house making sure that i lost him, went into a store then back to mine. phew.
hope you're having a glorious day :) gonna develop some summer photos, the sun rocks my world! (all that vitamin d's officially gone to my head!!!)
later chicas, *shrinking violet*

fasting clock 17:15 h completed thus far.
Comments: 1 Lover - Love me.

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:10:24 pm.
ahhhhhhh i'm so bored!!!!

gonna go paint my nails, leave some thinspiration or something please m'darlins!!! *hugs*
Comments: 1 Lover - Love me.

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:7:30 pm.
okay so the parental unit are gone...alone time for the next TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!! that's a massive fasting opportunity but also scary alone time with kitchen full of my father's weird food....gotta make suchthat this goes the best way possible!!!

Yest sins were- 1/2 english muffin
1/2 can tuna
tablespoon of pasta sauce dad put on pasta for dinner

3 1/2 litres water

today - 1/2 serving of dry cereal
litre of crystal light pineapple and orange

and that's it folks, finger crossed so badly for the next 13 days, staying strong-getting thinner-woohoo!!!
*hug to all*
Comments: Love me.

Tuesday, May 31st, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:1:52 am.
Name: Violet
Age: 19
What ED you have?: ana, but i binge and purge, laxatives, diet pills sometimes
How long you've had it?: two/three years, had the thoughts for a long long time though, they jsut didnt become actions until i pieced it all together
Like having an ED?: when i feel comfortable with it and am able to be strong and face the world, the days when im in a crumpled heap on the floor of the wardrobe because im too disgusting to wear anything in it-not so much
Have you been to rehab?: yup, sadly so
Who Refered You?:mum dragged me, laughd in her face the first few times then in a weak moment forgot who she was and broke down to her about how scared i was
Anything Else?: dad's fat counting and nutrition mad, dislikes fat ppl, mum is insecure and has self image issues including her once tiny self, get the feeling she resents having had children because of her tummy now
Pictures: once i fugre out how to get them onto this contraption all will be revealed!
Height: 5'7 1/2"
Current Weight: 135
Current BMI: too high! 21?!
Goal Weight: stg 118 ltg
Lowest Weight: 110 if not slightly less-no scale at lowest
highest weight: 147 + yuck yuck yuck, misery
Comments: Love me.

Monday, May 30th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:2:50 am.
Kate Moss, supermodel. 5'7", 107 pounds 16.8

Diana Ross, singer. 5'4", 100 pounds 17.2

Julia Roberts, actress. 5'10", 120 pounds 17.3

Cameron Diaz, actress. 5'9", 120 pounds 17.8

Lisa Dergan, Playboy's Miss July, 5'8", 120 pounds 18.3

Lisa Kudrow, actress. 5'7", 123 pounds. 18.8

Lynda Carter, actress. 5'9", 130 pounds 19.2

Venus Williams, tennis player. 5'11", 137 pounds 19.1

Steffi graf, tennis player. 5'9", 132 pounds 19.5

Anna Nicole Smith, model-actress(pre trimspa!) 5'11", 220 pounds 30.7

Pamela Anderson
Height: 5'7"
Weight: 105lb

Angelina Jolie
Height: 5'7" Weight: 120 lbs

Britney Spears (pre weight gain from marriage and baby)
Height: 5'5
Weight: 105 lbs

Sarah Michelle Gellar
Height: 5'3 Weight: 92 lbs.

Gwyneth Paltrow
Height: 5' 9" Weight: 112lb

Lyndsey Lohan
Height:5'7" Weight:112 lb

Mary-Kate Olsen
Heigh:5'2" Weight 90 lbs

tried to find Kate Bosworth now, Geri Halliwell's then, Mischa Barton etc etc please feel free to add to the list.....late night boredom=computer browsing NOT eating!
Comments: 2 Lovers - Love me.

Sunday, May 29th, 2005

Posted by:manda_renee.
Time:8:53 pm.
* :) :) :) *

i'd forgotten how easy it is not to eat here, feigned disinterest in dinner last night therefore the sins are as follows;

1/3 cup fat free yoghurt
pinch of craisins

5 crackers
1 tblsp salsa

1 litre crystal light peach t (45kcal only, woohoo)


two egg whites
1tblsp salsa

2pieces steamed asparagus
lemon juice
Comments: Love me.

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

Posted by:wel_kept_secret.
Time:11:33 am.
Mood: busy.
its been awhle since ive posted but heres and update

what can i say im not happy yet but although im losing im not at where i know i can be. my goal is to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer.
Comments: 2 Lovers - Love me.

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